Thanks, we'll be in touch.

I did on-campus interviews at my alma mater the other day. The level of incompetence on display was striking, and brought back memories of my own piss-poor interviewee skills. One applicant refused to turn over his transcript, but offered to do so if he was extended a call-back interview. Another freely admitted to being interested in four different cities, although Chicago had definitely made that list. Personal details are nice, but medical conditions are not; it shouldn’t be all that difficult to draw the distinction. The process was more grueling than I expected. Sixteen candidates in, I made it through the first ten minutes of an interview without saying anything at all. Once I realized this, I mumbled a few “Why is that?” and “Based on what?” interjections to keep things flowing.

I found that what I was most impressed with were people that were unlike myself. My partner took the contrary approach. She is brunette and decidedly non-standard, college jocks and blondies did not fare well with her.

What I found myself telling candidates over and over is that an aura of confidence will always do wonders. No one knows how to do shit when they step off the elevator on their first day as an associate. But with time, you’ll reach an epiphany: “Hey. I’m a marginally useful cog in the machine. Neat.” I try to tell that to myself when I fuck shit up. On the other hand, I also have a tendency to pleasure myself with thoughts of how well-regarded I am in my workplace, so screwing the pooch nicely evens things out. You’re only as good as your last review. It’s tough to strike a balance between acting like you shit gold—which is important and professionally useful—and actually buying into it.