Please speak plainly.

One of my biggest pet peeves are people that refuse to speak or write directly and efficiently. Context matters, of course, and I understand that if you’re trying to be persuasive, you may have good reason to doll your stuff up a bit. But I really hate it when I’m having a conversation with someone and they’re bludgeoning me to death with four different versions—all wordy—of the same damn idea. Listen. I get it. Don’t waste my time. If you like the sound of your voice that much, you really don’t need me do you? For instance, I called a client today intending to get three discrete pieces of information. When did your company first transact with the defendant? What dates were your invoices unpaid? Do you have tangible copies of those unpaid invoices? Five minute conversation, tops. My contact at the client company managed to turn the phone call into a twenty-five minute exercise in tedium. For whatever reason, this guy decided to regale me with his thoughts on: accounting software, the saga of the Dubuque records-keeping system, roll-over payments and when/how/why they should or should not be recorded as accounts receivable, and lastly, the excellent job that my firm was doing on behalf of the client. That’s great, buddy. But I really . . . don’t . . . care. I just want to get off the phone and eat my sandwich. The irony is that if this man knew that he was talking to a small, childish-looking Chinese man who can’t grow a beard, I don’t think he would have wasted so much time licking my balls.